Farewell Father: A Final Testament of a Son

 

What is it like to lose a parent? What is it like to feel the somberness after their passing? All the questions that come to your mind when they are gone or years later. Since his passing, I had the unfortunate privilege of reflecting on life from a perspective that no child should ever have. All the despair and void you feel when you imagine what it would have been like if they were here today. And, we all try to come to peace with that but truly can we?

The night before his passing was just another normal day at our home. It was the month of Ramadan. We had guests over; my father was delighted with the jalebis one of the guests brought. Despite his diabetes, that day he somewhat had a craving for sweets. We went along our day. My father finished his night by watching his usual late-night talk show before heading to bed to wake up for Sehri. 

He was being very lazy in waking up though, so I made him wake up by repeatedly calling him. After finishing our sehri, we went to our rooms to wait for the Fajr prayer. But my father didn't, sitting quietly alone in the living room before he moved on to his prayer, and before going to sleep, he sat on the couch of his room and my mother asked him, "Why are you smiling?" His answer was simple: "No reason". He called on me to turn on the AC of their room, and I did. Then they went to sleep and I came back to my room. Everything looks so normal, right?

It all started to unfold when my elder brother came knocking on my door saying our father wasn't waking up. All these years later, I still imagine, what transpired in my mind at that moment? Did I feel a sense of loss immediately? No, how could I? Did I think he had just fainted because of fasting? Again no, I saw him in his best spirits before he went to bed. The answer to that question still hasn't come to me and probably never will. But it was from that moment, my life changed.

My mother first noticed a sense of detachment that something wasn't right, the way he was still and silent. I rushed to his side, doing everything I could to wake him up, and performed CPR as best I could. But to no avail. When we were taking him to the hospital, I held him against my chest, trying to keep him steady. Looking back, that might have been the last hug I ever gave him. 

Even when we reached the hospital, my mind held on to hope that he was still there with us. But when the doctors finally pronounced him dead, we had no idea what to say. Words eluded me, the ground felt swept away from my feet. From a night when I still had a father with me to a morning I had him no more. 

I saw myself going to utter loss of words for more than an hour, unable to express anything. Before that, despite my repeated pleas to make another effort, it was evident nothing could be done. He was gone before we even arrived. Maybe it was our false hope that kept us thinking it might be alright, but it didn't. My mother was in tears. My relatives came to offer comfort. And there I was, still unable to say one word. 

My brother, on the contrary, didn't even get one minute to grieve before responsibilities came towering on him. He had to make the calls and arrange his funeral. But not for one moment that he could mourn his father. How could he? The responsibilities of the eldest child.

The most heartbreaking part? My brother received his visa for his post-graduate studies the day before, but he couldn't share the news with him. My father's biggest hope was to see his engineer son pursue higher studies abroad, but he didn't get to witness it.

It was the final months of Covid. My father didn't pass away because of any illness. He had health issues but nothing severe. Yet, he was gone in his sleep, after fajr, and during the holy Ramadan. 

It is said that those who pass away while fasting in Ramadan, their soul goes to Jannah. I hope my father is at peace there. The Almighty is protecting him in the afterlife. He passed away while being beside the person he spent 26 years with. But he passed away not knowing what would happen to his sons. Are they prepared to take on life? Take up responsibility? Take care of themselves?

Well, we had to. What else could we do? My brother went on to pursue his studies and become the earner of the family. And I am here taking every responsibility of life there can be. 

I was barely 17, and I suddenly had the weight of my family on my shoulders. It wasn't that I didn't want to take on these duties, but the realization I lost my right to live as a normal teenager.

All his life, his biggest concern was whether his youngest would get his act together, shine like his brother, become responsible, or spend his days like he was: "Good for nothing". But to everyone's wonder, I did find my path.  Although I can't share all the details due to its sensitivity, what I can say is, that I began striving to be the person I hoped my father would be proud of. I began to comprehend that I had to behave like an adult, be accountable as one, and be more responsible towards my life than ever. Because whatever I become is the legacy my father left behind.

Charles Leclerc, Ferrari Formula One Driver, in an interview after his father passed away in 2017

After years of not reaching my potential, I aced both of my SSC and HSC, without him being on my side. I switched from Science to Business Studies in college, following my father's desire for me to pursue business and be the one to exceed him. From having no aspiration in any particular ECA, I went on to represent my college to several national and international Model United Nations where I had the fortune of winning awards, I wish my father was seeing me lift. I went on with my university admissions without him going with me. After years of trying, I finally received the board scholarship that always eluded me but he wasn't here to rejoice in any of it. I no longer get to enjoy cricket matches, football World Cup matches, or debating on a political or international issue together anymore. Or that I tried my best to contribute to help us achieve victory in our revolution or help out in dispatching relief to flood-affected areas. All the things my father has already missed and will miss have left me reflecting on much of my life and what is next for me. What will he want me to do?

Sometimes it made me wonder whenever I see someone with their father, "Why I didn't get to be with mine?" "What is the meaning of  achieving anything that my father is not here to be proud of?" All the questions we start to ask ourselves when we lose one of our parents. But will we ever get answers to any of them? No.

Iain Armitage, as Sheldon Cooper in Young Sheldon S07 E12,
reaction after he learns about his father's passing.

Like in Young Sheldon, after Sheldon heard his father's passing, it reflected how I reacted to my own one's. The somber silence that hits a child when they know they will never meet their loved one again and the regret that they couldn't say goodbye or even spend a bit of time before it happened. I didn't have a proper conversation with my father for not more than 5 minutes that day, and the regret of that still weighed me down.

Many children have lost their parents while they were way more young. Despite the challenges, they continue moving forward, as many have before. Even after the recent Anti-Discrimination Student Protest, left us with yet another reminder of how delicate life can be. Many lost their loved ones, especially their fathers, in sudden and tragic circumstances. So many passed away so abruptly that their loved ones didn't get to see them one final time. That is how the passage of life has been. 

Our parents are often the very reason behind our aspirations. The very reason why we wish to achieve anything in our life, become better versions of ourselves. For many kids out there, it remains incomplete. The truth is, there is no healing after losing a parent, we simply act like we are okay. 

Yet, it is necessary for us to be okay. Everything we do from there will be the reason why we wish to see them happy and with that, we owe it to those who have passed away to uphold the values they instilled in us. In that, it will be our final testament to our parents.